Because we all need to laugh....
What kind of microphone do you use to mic up a Bagpipe?
Like it matters!
Saint Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates. A man walks up and Saint Peter says, "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a Doctor" replies the man. "Walk right in" says Saint Peter. A woman walks up to the Gate and Saint Peter asks her,"What did you do on Earth?" "I was a School Teacher" replies the woman. "Walk right in" says Saint Peter. A Soundman walks up to the Gate. "What did you do on Earth?" asks Saint Peter. "I was a Soundman" says the Roaddog. "Go around the side, take the elevator up, and go through the kitchen...."
What is said to a Soundperson in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise?
How can you tell if a Stagehand is dead?
The doughnut rolls out of his hand.
How can you tell if the Dead Stagehand was a union hand?
The doughnut rolls out of his hand and into the hand of his son.
What do you give to a Soundperson that has
everything?
Penicillin
How do you put a sparkle in a groupie's eye?
Shine your Maglight in her ear
What's the difference between a musician and a
mutual fund?
The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money
Did you hear the one about the Lighting Tech who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the window to get the Rigger out
How do you end up with a million dollars in the Sound and Lighting business?
Start with 2 million!
How many Audio Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he has to figure out if the bulb is wired "Tip Hot" or "Ring Hot"
How many Sound Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, Two....One, Two....One, Two...
How to tell if your neighbor is a "ROADIE"...
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Trellis in the rose garden appears to be old lighting truss.
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If he's in the IA and mows the lawn, he stops every fifteen minutes for coffee and a smoke.
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Their new vinyl siding looks suspiciously like Tolex from old Fender Twins.
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His telephone has an XLR out.
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Only time you've ever seen a female visitor next door, it was some Sweet girl named Connie from out of state...and boy was she "friendly".
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A big truck is always blocking your driveway.
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He won't let you into the house without an "All Access" pass.
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Dog has a laminate.
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His tool shed is 53 feet long and has air shocks.
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Your daughter asks him to buy Girl Scout Cookies and he says... "Screw that, I'll make a few phone calls and we'll do a benefit".
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The motion detector driveway light is a Xenon Gladiator III mounted on the garage roof.
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Ringing his doorbell or phoning before noon is "very dangerous".
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Clothesline is tuned to A440.
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Bizarre obsession with taking showers.
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Lawn edging is made from old mic stand bases.
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Front sidewalk has white spike tape arrows pointing the way into the house.
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He wears a Clear Com headset when mowing the lawn.
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Mailbox exploded due to overloading.
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New mailbox is made from a converted Anvil briefcase.
And the TOP TEN WAYS are...
10. Doorbell plays "Smoke on the Water".
09. Your landscaper pronounces your lawn dead from "High Decibel
Trauma".
08. He kicks your kid's ass at Tetris.
07. His trash cans are always full of brown M&Ms.
06. Has curtains made of black backdrop material.
05. You hear loud music all night, but it's always the same band.
04. Every six months some guy in a ponytail collects the mail and gets
back into a cab.
03. Every time they play their stereo the neighborhood power "browns
out"
02. You've been feeding his dog for four years now.
AND NUMBER ONE REASON TO THINK THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A "ROADIE" IS...
His lawnmower "GOES TO ELEVEN"!
You know you work in nonprofit theatre if...
* your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do
* you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood
* you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes
* You've ever driven around the back of stores looking for discards that
can be used for set pieces
* you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day
in ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is
* you have a Frequent Shopper Card at the Salvation Army
* Rogers and Hammerstein is synonymous with 3 months of rehearsals
* you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your
costumes at the mall
* You've ever taken time off your job to work on the show
* You've worked your vacation time to coincide with tech week
* you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker
* your family is more than 50% of the staff
* you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue
* you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor
of the French side of the family
* you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting
the running time under four and a half hours
* you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder
mystery where half the cast spoke with southern accents
* you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius
* you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience
2 to 1
* you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up
for auditions
* you've ever gotten a part because you were the only male who showed up
for auditions
* the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they
saw you taking out the trash before the show
* you've ever menaced/threatened anyone with a gun held together with
electrical tape
* you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing an
evening gown and heels
* you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing an
evening gown and heels-and you're a guy
* you've ever played the father of someone your father's age
* your kids know your rehearsal schedule better than you do
* your kids know your lines better than you do
* your kids deliver your lines better than you do
* you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theatre because
you forgot your kids
* you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a
window without opening it first
* You actually know the difference between Good Shakespeare and BAD
Shakespeare, and have tried to explain the difference
* you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was really
drunk
* you've ever heard a director say "Try not to bump into the furniture"
and mean it
* the lead vocalist complains that the music keeps changing tempos, but
the fact is the music is on a tape/CD
* you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to
* you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say "Just
paint it black -- no one will ever see it"
* you've appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect
* the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the
stage because the floor's still wet -- five minutes before curtain
* you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is
because he/she handled special effects for the last show
* you've ever said "Don't worry -- use the duct tape and if that doesn't
work we'll just hot glue it"
* if you have the deep need to forward this to more than 5 people who
would TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THIS
